154: When Trust Breaks: How to Lead After Betrayal | Damon Lembi

Why trust gets broken—and why Damon still believes in it

0:00

hey everyone Damon here and today I want

0:02

to talk about something every leader

0:04

parent partner and human experienced

0:06

Getting burned by someone you

0:09

trusted Welcome to the Learn It All

0:11

Podcast the show for today's leaders who

0:14

want to get ahead and stay ahead Because

0:16

we believe great leaders aren't born or

0:18

made we are always in the making I'm

0:20

your host Damon Lebby two-time

0:22

best-selling author and CEO of Learnit a

0:24

live learning platform that has helped

0:26

upscale over two million people over the

0:28

past three decades A few years ago a

0:31

sales leader who's been with Learnit for

0:33

about 6 months someone that we invested

0:36

heavily in gave them a great comp plan I

0:39

even carved out some of my own comp to

0:40

make sure that it helped meet the needs

0:42

that they wanted Gave them a top thought

0:46

leader sales coach to work with them I

0:48

put a lot of trust into this individual

0:51

gave them a lot of autonomy implemented

0:53

a lot of the things they wanted walked

0:55

into my office one day and said "Hey

0:57

Damon I've got some bad news I got this

1:00

job opportunity I can't turn it down I

1:02

hope you understand." So I'm thinking to

1:04

myself "Look it's terrible to lose this

1:06

person but I understand how things work

1:08

I wish him the best of luck." And so I

The story of betrayal that inspired the Trust Tax concept

1:10

said to him I said you know we're right

1:12

in the middle of this big migration for

1:13

our CRM and also we onboarded three new

1:16

reps you wanted us to hire and so what

1:18

does this uh transition plan look like

1:21

and I was thinking he was going to say

1:22

you know I got about a month to work

1:24

with you He said 'Well unfortunately

1:26

Friday is my final day Being that it was

1:28

Wednesday and he was giving me two day

1:30

notice I mean it was an awful situation

1:33

So here we are We're in a bind And to

1:35

make matters worse not only did he leave

1:38

us in two days notice I found out less

1:40

than two weeks later he was trying to

1:41

download our customer database and try

1:44

to solicit two of our sales reps to

1:47

follow him to his new company which they

1:50

told me what was going on And obviously

1:52

they stayed at Learn It And after all

1:54

this I remember thinking to myself we

1:56

invested so heavily in this uh

1:58

individual I literally just paid for my

2:00

own betrayal But here's the truth What

2:02

we did it wasn't a mistake It's what I

2:04

now call the trust tax The trust tax is

2:07

what we sometimes pay for choosing to

2:09

believe in people at work at home and in

2:12

life It's the emotional relational and

2:14

sometimes financial cost that comes with

2:17

leading with trust And sometimes

2:19

unfortunately it's going to be broken

2:21

We've all been there before I've met

2:23

with federal judges Major League

2:26

Baseball coaches We all have our stories

2:28

of really putting our faith and trust

2:30

into somebody and being let down But I'm

2:33

here to share with you today why it's a

2:35

price worth paying Because trust opens

2:37

doors to innovation creativity growth

“I just paid for my own betrayal” — the personal andprofessional fallout

2:40

and long-term loyalty Sometimes you're

2:42

going to pay the trust tax but most of

2:44

the time you're going to reap the

2:45

rewards I'm going to share with you my

2:47

trust tax playbook so you also continue

2:50

to lead with trust instead of cynicism

2:52

Look I get it Trusting people opens you

2:54

up to disappointment But what is the

2:56

alternative do you want to always be a

2:59

cynic and always worried that people are

3:00

going to take advantage of you or do you

3:02

always want to lead from a position of

3:03

control first of all that takes a huge

3:05

emotional toll on you and I hate leading

3:08

from a place of negativity Instead I

3:11

want to lead with trust and I'm here to

3:13

help you learn how to do so today When

3:15

you lead from a position of cynicism or

3:17

control that shuts you off from real

3:19

relationships and kills your team's

What is the Trust Tax?

3:21

potential Distrust will undoubtedly lead

3:23

to micromanagement tension and a lack of

3:26

engagement from your team Trust on the

3:28

other hand is what builds strong teams

3:30

It invites ownership sparks

3:31

collaboration and it creates the type of

3:33

environment where people want to come to

3:35

work They want to contribute because

3:36

they feel like they belong and that

3:38

their leaders have their back And in

3:40

life just like in leadership if you

3:42

close yourself off you're going to miss

3:44

out Trust my friends is the cost of

3:46

connection and it's worth it every time

3:49

Let me walk you through my four-step

3:50

playbook for the trust tax Step one is

3:53

trust first always For me trust is my

Why leading from control doesn’t work

3:56

default It's not something that I expect

3:58

people to earn I believe it's my

4:00

responsibility to earn their trust in

4:03

business Give people the autonomy to do

4:05

their work Don't hover over them Give

4:07

them the space they need and allow them

4:09

to experiment take risks and try things

4:12

without having to worry about the uh the

4:15

retaliation of making a mistake People

4:18

if you give people and you trust them

4:20

the opportunity to do their best and

4:22

even if something fails turn that into a

4:25

learning opportunity for them And the

4:27

same rule goes for at home For instance

4:29

give your kids more autonomy than maybe

Trust builds stronger teams, belonging, and creativity

4:31

you're even comfortable with Share with

4:33

them what what's the difference between

4:35

right and wrong And at the end of the

4:36

day do that because people want to feel

4:39

like you believe in them Step two trust

4:41

smart Look I lead with trust but it's

4:43

important to stay aware It's not about

4:45

being naive It's about being intentional

4:48

Start with trust and pay attention to

4:49

how someone shows up If someone proves

4:51

to be reliable double down on them If

4:54

they don't learn to adjust I found it's

4:56

important to realize that you don't need

4:57

to shut people out You just need to

4:59

learn where to focus your energy Step

5:02

three is reframe the cost Look if trust

The 4-step Trust Tax Playbook begins

5:05

is broken it doesn't mean stop trusting

5:08

What it means is you have a lesson to

5:09

learn from And how are you going to

Step 1: Trust First – Why Damon chooses to lead with trustby default

5:11

apply that moving forward so you don't

5:13

make the same mistakes or you can avoid

5:14

those situations in the future When

5:16

someone lets you down it's really easy

5:18

to tighten up pull back or stop giving

5:21

people chances Don't That reaction of

5:23

tightening up and pulling back will kill

5:25

culture and throttle growth And instead

5:28

I want you to shift your mindset and

5:30

look at it as an experience gained Learn

5:33

the lesson adjust where needed and keep

5:35

moving forward You paid the price so now

5:37

let's make sure you get something

5:38

valuable in return And step four is lead

5:41

by identity What I tell myself is I'm

5:44

somebody who trusts first and can learn

5:46

from every relationship and every

Step 2: Trust Smart – Awareness without cynicism

5:48

experience This one's huge I want you to

5:51

say it to yourself I want you to repeat

5:53

it and I want you to program it When you

5:55

define yourself this way you're not

5:57

going to shrink or get super frustrated

6:00

and down on yourself when trust is

6:01

broken What you're going to learn to do

6:03

is you're going to learn to evolve and

6:05

grow And when you do this people will

6:07

follow you at home at work everywhere So

6:10

here's some real world examples I want

6:12

you to apply At work delegate give clear

6:15

directions and get out of their way At

6:17

home lead by example Teach your children

6:20

the difference between right and wrong

6:22

and give them freedom before they even

6:24

ask for it With friends be generous with

6:26

your beliefs Don't let one bad actor

Step 3: Reframe the Cost – Learning from letdowns withoutshutting down

6:28

define your worldview You can also

6:30

reduce the emotional hit of the tax by

6:32

humanizing the person you distrust Maybe

6:34

there's something going on in their life

6:36

that you're unaware of It doesn't make

6:38

what they're doing right but maybe

6:40

there's they've got some other reason

6:41

Check in with your feelings and learn to

6:43

label them I know that's helped me feel

6:45

better when I'll think about well what

6:46

is really bothering me here is it

6:49

embarrassment is it the feeling of being

6:51

taken advantage of just even thinking

6:53

about that helps me walk through And a

6:55

lot of times it's not nearly as bad as I

6:58

thought it would be And finally learn to

7:00

reframe the story with wisdom not fear

7:02

These are learning lessons for you and

7:04

they're opportunities and they are

7:07

things that will make you learn to lead

7:09

with more integrity both as a parent and

Step 4: Lead by Identity – Becoming someone who trusts andgrows

7:11

a business professional Trust my friends

7:13

is a meta skill The more you build it

7:16

the more everything else gets better in

7:19

your personal and professional life So

7:21

here's what I want to leave you with

7:22

Where have you stopped trusting and what

7:24

would it look like to start trusting

7:26

again i want to leave you with the

7:28

challenge This week I want you to choose

7:30

one person to trust Even though it feels

7:32

risky and as we all know you've been

7:35

burnt before Trust first pay the tax

7:37

when necessary and reap the reward Let's

7:40

keep leading with belief It matters more

7:42

now than ever before So do me one more

7:44

favor If you could think of somebody

7:46

who's having trust issues these days

7:49

maybe they've been let down by their

7:50

partner or they're been uh taken

7:53

advantage of at work Do me a favor and

7:55

send this episode to them if you believe

7:57

they can get value out of it And until

7:59

next time everybody stay curious keep

Real-life ways to apply this in parenting, leadership, andfriendship

8:01

learning have a great day

‍