164: The New Approach to Mentorship That'll Change Your Life | Deborah Heiser

Release Date: 

May 13, 2025

Release Date: May 8

Mentorship isn’t a box to check or a corporate initiative to roll out. It’s a deeply human exchange that only works when it’s honest, unforced, and rooted in trust.  

In today's episode, Damon is joined by Award-winning Researcher, Author and Founder of The Mentor Project, Dr. Deborah Heiser, who is here to challenge everything we think we know about what it means to be a mentor.  

What You’ll Learn:

  • The essential ingredients that make mentorship actually work
  • Why most formal mentorship programs fall short
  • Why vulnerability is the often-missing key to meaningful connection
  • How to reframe mentorship if you feel too busy or not “qualified” to be one

In This Episode:

  • 00:01 – Intro to Deborah Heiser and her book The Mentorship Edge
  • 00:17 – The story of Vinny and Fred: how a casual conversation changed a life
  • 05:01 – Deborah’s definition of mentorship through a psychologist’s lens
  • 06:55 – Why mentorship needs trust, intrinsic motivation, and connection
  • 08:30 – What most companies get wrong about mentorship
  • 09:32 – Deborah’s career pivot: From studying depression to studying joy
  • 11:56 – How her nursing home research helped change federal policy on depression
  • 14:33 – The difference between generativity, generosity, and reciprocity
  • 16:11 – Everyday examples of being generative without realizing it
  • 18:35 – Why formal workplace mentorships often backfire
  • 22:07 – A space shuttle story: how lateral mentorship helped save an astronaut
  • 24:39 – What is lateral mentorship, and why it matters
  • 33:31 – The story of the “two Steves” (Jobs & Wozniak) and unsung mentorship
  • 37:00 – How to find mentees: look to your left and your right
  • 38:20 – Why advice only works when it’s built on trust
  • 39:43 – Where to learn more about Deborah’s work

About Deborah:

Deborah Heiser, Ph.D., is an applied developmental psychologist, author, and thought leader in mentorship and personal growth. She is the founder and CEO of The Mentor Project, a global nonprofit connecting experts like Nobel laureates and astronauts with mentees to foster innovation and leadership. Her latest book, The Mentorship Edge, launched on November 13, explores the transformative power of mentorship in creating meaningful connections and empowering individuals to thrive at any stage of life. With her work featured in Psychology Today and other leading outlets.  

Resources Referenced:

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Podcast Contact Information:  

Show transcript
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0:00

who do you turn to when you can't express your vulnerabilitySomebody that you trust and that you can be vulnerable

0:05

around And so that's how we automatically engage in lateralmentorship all the time We're calling

0:12

upon people that we know who can help us Mentorship isn't abox check It's also

0:18

not a corporate initiative just to roll out It's a deeplyhuman exchange one that only works when it's honest

0:25

unforced and rooted in trust Welcome to the Learn It AllPodcast the show for today's leaders who want to get ahead

0:32

and stay ahead because we believe great leaders aren't bornor made they are always in the making I'm your host Damon

0:38

Ley and I'm joined today with my buddy and cohort DarrenBridget and we're from Learn It a live learning platform that

0:45

has helped upskill over 2 million people over the past threedecades In this

0:50

episode award-winning researcher author and founder of theMentor Project Dr Dr Deborah Heiser is going to challenge

0:57

everything we think we know about what it means to be amentor We're going to be asking Dr Heiser to share her

1:02

thoughts on the essential ingredients that makes mentorshipactually work why vulnerability is often the missing key

1:09

to meaningful connection and how to reframe mentorshipespecially if you feel too busy or not qualified to be one

1:16

You have a lot of great stories in your book The MentorshipEdge Can you start off and just share one of your favorites

1:22

I I have so many I'm going to start with this one This one'sa really kind of typical one and it's um about somebody

1:28

that I think is one of our most prolific mentors at thementor project His name is Fred Klene And Fred um is a guy who

1:37

is a complete extrovert He'll talk to anyone And he was a hewas going around

1:44

his usual business And this was back in the 80s He went outto get his film

1:50

developed I don't know if anybody listening will rememberfilm developing stores that were in the malls Well he

1:56

went to one of those and he happened upon a guy that herecognized he knew

2:04

through his son They went to high school together at thesame time And he was thinking to himself "My goodness my son

2:11

is like going to law school This guy's in the filmdeveloping um store What's

2:18

going on here?" So he strikes up a conversation withthis kid And if let me

2:23

just do a little backtracking on the kid that I'm talkingabout His name was Vinnie And Vinnie was a guy who got in

2:29

trouble no matter what he did Like he just walked outsidehis front door and get in trouble He had the most cuts of

2:34

anyone in his high school He you know went about and didjobs where he saw how

2:41

far he could push the line of doing the right thing and thenwould dip his toe onto the other side So here's a guy

2:48

who's had a lot of trouble going through school He's at thefilm developing store

2:54

and Fred strikes up conversation with him every time he goesto the film developing store and this guy Vinnie

3:00

starts to really trust Fred And Fred sees something in thisguy that is

3:05

really making him drawn to him So one day he says to Vinnie"What the heck are

3:11

you doing working in this film developing store you know whyare you

3:16

here And the guy was like well I really want to be aphotographer And so Fred was like well

3:23

then why aren't you out doing that If I come back here in 5years and you still

3:28

working here you're going to be a loser And that was likewhat he told this guy And that was the aha moment for Vinnie

3:36

Vinnie went out and he became an actual real photographerfor the NFL He was

3:42

down on the on the line He actually followed his passion andhis dream He needed someone to say "Go do it." And he

3:52

came back and he actually contacted Fred through his son andsaid "Hey I made it

3:58

I did it." And to this day I was able to contact Vinniebecause they're still in

4:03

touch Vinnie's written books He's a successful entrepreneurHe's long past

4:08

being a photographer but his life was changed based onsomeone that he met at

4:14

a place that he was his work He never knew that he was amentor at the time And Fred never thought of him as a

4:20

mentee at a time at the time but these two interactedThey're still in touch

4:26

like 45 years later And you know the life of Vinnie wasseriously changed

4:32

because of Fred and and it gives Fred such psychic gratitudeas Fred says to

4:38

uh know that he made that impact in his life You turn commonunderstanding of mentorship on its head and the way that

4:45

we typically think about mentorship There's really a lot ofwork that all of us can do to understand that in a more productive deep way Solet's just start

4:52

with how do you define mentorship Well I come from apsychologist perspective of

4:58

this and research So we hit a stage I I study aging and wehit a stage in

5:05

midlife called generativity and it's where we're literallybuilt to want to give back It's actually a life stage

5:10

It's not like some madeup thing and it's been researched Itwas um posited by

5:17

Eric Ericson and it's where you care for someone withoutexpecting anything in return And we're all aware of this If

5:23

anyone has had children you know when the baby cries youdon't go "Oh you better you know pay me back later for

5:29

this and I'm rocking you to sleep tonight." You knowthis is something that we're all sort of built to do But

5:34

in midlife we're hitting a stage where we want to say"Okay all those boxes I

5:39

checked do they matter Do I have a footprint in the world DoI matter?" And it's really a point where some people

5:46

say "This is the midlife crisis." Really it's astage of generativity though So

5:51

when we look at mentorship it has to come that somebodywants to give something of themsel to

5:58

somebody else So in the case of Fred he wanted to give hisadvice to Vinnie you

6:03

know to say "Here's some practical stuff that you cando I believe in you you know that sort of a thing." And Vinnie

6:09

had to want that from Fred And he did The next thing is ithas to be something

6:15

that is intrinsically motivated And that means that if Iwere to say to you "Hey

6:21

Darren hey Damon would you like to go volunteer your time ata soup kitchen," you might say "Yeah I'd really like that

6:27

It makes me feel really good to do that." If you wereon your way and I said "Hey before you get there just turn

6:33

left and go volunteer your time at Starbucks." That's awhole different feeling You expect something exttrinsic

6:39

like pay from Starbucks And it makes you feel icky if you'rethe one not getting paid there doing the same as everything

6:45

everybody else So that same act feels different and we alsoneed a meaningful

6:51

connection Now Fred knew Vinnie from the film developingstore It wasn't like

6:57

they hung out on the weekends and things like that but theyboth felt meaningfully connected They're still

7:02

connected today Um so we need that If you're meeting withsomebody and you're going "Oh I've got to meet with my

7:09

mentor today." That's not really great Um and we alsoneed to trust the person

7:17

So that happens all the time where this component is leftout where if I'm an entrepreneur and I say "Oh I don't want

7:24

to tell Damon about you know this area of expertise I hadcuz have because he's going to run away with that information

7:30

and go start his own company." Or I might say um Idon't want to tell Darren

7:37

what I don't know because I feel vulnerable He's couplelevels above me

7:43

And you know what Yeah He might not give me a raise He mighthe might even say

7:48

"Oof I now have a whole new outlook on thisperson." And finally we need a goal

7:54

So what we know in mentorship is a lot of times it lookslike mentorship Just like if I made brownies and I left the

8:00

sugar out it's going to look like it but it's not going totaste like it Mentorship if you leave out the trust

8:05

component you leave out the intrinsic motivation it's goingto look like it

8:10

but it won't work And that's what we see a lot of times incompanies and organizations is that they're leaving

8:17

out one of the components that really is a key formentorship to actually work

8:22

the way it should to get back to how you made this journeyYou started in a

8:27

totally different field You were actually looking at um kindof psychology and aging and frailty and you

8:34

have a cool story about making that that turn I was lookingat it the way that we all think about it which is an inverted

8:40

V We have a steep steady incline while we're young This isour physical

8:45

trajectory and then we have a slow steady decline as we ageLike I didn't need these glasses when I was younger I

8:53

always tell my students I can you know you can outrun meHowever what we're not

8:59

thinking of is that what we also have an emotionaltrajectory That first one I

9:04

talked about is super scary The second one though is it ouremotional trajectory and it goes up and doesn't go

9:10

down So I can not run as fast as my students but I'm happierSo that's what

9:16

I tell them all the time And that's the that's really howthat trajectory works I was a I studied depression That was

9:23

one of the areas that I was really looking at and studyingquite a bit So most people say "Well what about people

9:29

who get depressed when they get older?" Yeah they dobut they're the outliers We should not expect to be

9:36

depressed You know we should not expect to have aAlzheimer's disease We should

9:43

not expect those Those are out there Can it happen Yes Butwe shouldn't expect it

9:50

So and can you get depressed and then get better Yes you canBut the

9:55

expectation that people had was that everyone should bedepressed And that

10:00

was what got me because I said I don't want people to thinkthat I want them to expect to be happy which is the

10:07

trajectory that we do follow And that was where everybodywas sort of challenging the thought that no we

10:14

should be depressed we should be frail we should haveAlzheimer's we should be afraid of our future So sorry that was a

10:21

long answer to that and I and I appreciated that you saidthat and of course all that led to generativity

10:27

which uh seems like like one of the cornerstones for youwhen it comes to mentorship Can you explain what

10:34

generativity is and how is it different from generosity andand other ways that we might think about it So generativity

10:40

is generating something from you So we are all like walkinglibraries

10:46

So you know if I don't get my information out it's likeburning down a library I have an expertise in whatever

10:53

I have You do You do it It's how we all are And so we getcompelled to want to

11:00

generate that expertise out and put it into the world intosomebody else You're doing that through your podcast We do

11:06

that in all sorts of ways You're doing a modern for form ofmentorship with that So that is generativity Think of

11:13

generating It lives on outside of me Now generosity is I goto an ice cream shop

11:20

and I say "Ooh I'd like a scoop of ice creamplease." And they give me an extra scoop That's generous But then I eat it

11:27

and it's gone And that's that's the difference between thatNow reciprocity is I'll scratch my back you or I'll

11:35

scratch your back you scratch my back There's somethingthere that is if I do this I'm expecting something in return

11:42

from you that is going to match that And so if we think ofgenerosity as being

11:48

generative it stops there It doesn't live on And we want tobe generative We

11:54

want to make sure that we are generating a piece of us thatwill live on and you and the next person and the next person

12:01

If I'm somebody listening and I'm thinking to myself I'm notthat generative right now I I you know and I

12:09

need to get better at it What advice would you have for themI'd say you probably are generative and you don't

12:14

know it Um because most of us are and I'll give you a coupleof examples of that Um I was in graduate school and

12:22

again this was the olden days Cell phones were big and bulkyand they cost like $10 if you made a call on them I

12:29

get a call on my cell phone and I know that this is a bigdeal because nobody called anybody because they knew it was

12:34

a lot of money I take the phone call and my co and my myclassmate said "Hey I'm

12:39

on my externship and I have a big project to do and Iremember you know

12:44

Kappa statistics Can you teach me Kappa statistics right nowcuz I'm going to

12:49

have to give this project later and you know these are a bigdeal you know when you're in graduate school." So I walked

12:55

her through it and I taught her kappas and she did great Offshe went and she

13:01

went on and on Have you ever helped anybody when they askedfor help like that you probably have That's generative

13:06

What I taught her didn't go away She didn't go write it downand it was gone And she's done that for me So we do this

13:12

sort of thing If a neighbor calls and say they say "Ohmy gosh I need help with something or other You know can you

13:17

teach it to me Can you show me how you're doing it You'rebeing generative right now with the podcast." So we do

13:24

these things all the time in our everyday life but we don'teven give ourselves credit for it Um another thing

13:31

that's generative that people do and they don't realize isreligion tradition

13:36

values culture Religion didn't pop out of a box You knowit's been something

13:42

that for centuries has had similarities that get passed downIt doesn't matter which one it is And the traditions every

13:49

time you go to a holiday dinner you it's not like somebody'slike "Oh we're going to do this theme It's going to be a

13:55

whole different scenario." It's those familiartraditions that you then pass on that continue something and so you're

14:03

doing it You're being generative all the time Sharingknowledge and wisdom along

14:08

with other things like trust and intrinsic motivation whichI think gets

14:13

us into what you think about mentorship in a workplacesetting what everybody

14:19

gets wrong Can you talk about that a little bit A lot ofpeople really don't like it when I say that you

14:26

know mentorship in the workplace is often I think of it as aburden almost

14:32

when it's set up where a person is supposed to be inspiringand there's that if they they have to show that they

14:39

are mentoring um that just becomes another part of the joband that to me

14:45

feels like a burden and I'll explain a little bit about whatI mean I teach a university and I tell the students I am

14:52

not your mentor I am your adviser right now I get paid towork with you Now when I do that I want the best for you I want

15:00

you to do really really well All of those components thatwould go into mentoring I'm going to be doing that but

15:05

I'm paid to do this as an adviser to you If I don't do itI'm a bad adviser It's

15:11

not that I'm not a mentor I'm a bad adviser I'm a bad athelping you So when we're in the workplace and we're saying

15:17

we're now going to put another word on that and call itmentorship but you're really at Starbucks instead of at the

15:24

soup kitchen it feels like an ick It feels like I've got onemore box I've got a check at work and I'm supposed to

15:30

be like nice and feel altruistic about it The the logic andthe emotion don't go together So a lot of places can

15:38

engage in really great mentorship that's more organic Um andplaces do this all

15:45

the time automatically People just don't capitalize on it Soif you're in a health care setting a doctor can't go to

15:52

another doctor and be like "Hey I'm getting ready to dosurgery I have no idea what I'm doing." Like that's not going to go wellBut they can do a

15:59

curbside consult and say "Hey can I pick your brain Ihave this thing coming up and I just want to make sure I like how

16:04

did you handle that?" And that's mentorship You'regetting that mentorship That is a grand rounds That

16:11

is the lunch where people are brought together and theybrown bag it and they

16:17

this happened actually in the federal courts in Iowa wherethe federal judges

16:23

set up informal lunches so that you know you can't be likeoh I have a case coming up no clue how to do that you

16:29

know this is another one of those that you're not going togo tell people but you will say hey Jim you had the case

16:35

like this can you tell me how that ran now that's a wholedifferent feel to people than it is If somebody says you

16:41

are now Jim's mentee and you are going to now be mentored byhim I still may

16:47

feel like I don't trust telling Jim or maybe I don't evenlike Jim Maybe Jim's a you know somebody that I I don't feel

16:54

meaningfully connected with So when we impose some of thosethings on people it

17:00

backfires in some ways or it waters it down and it doesn'tmake it so that it's really working I would just name it

17:07

something else We're going to have workplace advisory We'regoing to have some workplace coaching We're going to

17:14

have something else Um because when a person is labelingsomething as

17:20

mentorship it stops a person from going and actually gettingmentorship because they think they're already engaging in

17:26

it Interesting So you're saying that if it feels like it'simposed instead of organic that it actually backfires and

17:34

can be detrimental Can you give an example of how does itmake it detrimental You know I'm going to tell you a case that somebody almostdied

17:42

Okay so imagine it's 2003 and you are watching the Colombia

17:47

space shuttle hurtling back to Earth and it disintegrates onimpact with Earth's

17:53

atmosphere Now that was to the horror of everyone watchingCouple years later

17:59

2005 they send up another mission STS 114 and imagine you'rethe astronaut and

18:07

you're like "Woohoo This is great I've I'm in spacefinally Yay This is great." And then you get a call from mission

18:13

control and mission control is like "Hey you might havethat same problem that the other that the other mission had."

18:19

And imagine yourself being that astronaut Well CharlieKamarda was that astronaut who got that call Now the

18:27

people that he was working with were supposed to be hismentors You know they were supposed to be guiding him through

18:32

everything He didn't trust him He was like "They don'tknow what's going on They can't tell me what's really

18:37

happening." So what he did was he got out his littleblack book I did not know they do this in space but he had this

18:43

little black book of contacts And he contacted a lateralmentor a person that he considered a trusted um colleague who

18:52

knew exactly this kind of mission and what was happening Andhe said "Listen

18:58

um do I have to call my daughter and say I'm not cominghome?" You know he was a single dad taking care of his daughter

19:03

And um he said "Do I have to do that or is there a wayto get home safely?" And

19:09

the guy worked with him and he mentored him through and said"Here's what I think." Cuz you know he has to teach him

19:15

while he's there and incorporate his expertise into CharlieHe can't go there and do it for him So he said "You got to

19:22

do a spacew walk and fix this teeny tiny tile that's outsidewhich was what caused the demise

19:28

of the previous shuttle." So Charlie calls missioncontrol and says "Hey um

19:34

we're going to do a spacew walk." And they did it andthey came home safely Now that is where the breakdown happened

19:40

He didn't trust that person You know those people he wasassigned to work with them He didn't trust them He didn't

19:46

feel that there was any you know intrinsic motivation comingfrom that This was this was work And he felt like

19:52

uh-oh I think they put me in a bad spot here And that's whenhe swapped it out for somebody who he did trust and who

20:00

was intrinsically motivated to help him He his name isn'teven mentioned his he

20:05

was just somebody that he who wanted to help because hecared about him If it's imposed to you that I am supposed to

20:11

divulge all of my secrets to you It's like a therapistImagine going to a therapist that you don't like or trust

20:16

You think that that person's going to go tell your story toeverybody Would you really tell them You know even they can

20:22

have that title but is that really going to work You know sothis is the kind of

20:27

but if you have a mentorship program like a lateralmentorship sort of with somebody that you trust and it's

20:32

intrinsic and you can go back and forth that that's the kindof thing that you're talking about building Yeah

20:38

absolutely You can have a formal mentoring program You justhave to make sure that the people want to be there

20:44

they want to be doing it that they want to um be engaged init So for example with the mentor project we're a

20:50

formalized mentoring organization but we'll stick we'll havekids and I say

20:55

that loosely They're all the way through graduate schoolstudents who will meet with a mentor and we'll say I want to

21:00

put you with five not just the one you think you want And wedon't we say it's

21:05

not a failed it's not a failed relationship if you say thisisn't working for me the mentor or the mentee

21:13

That's not a failure It's just not mentorship So then theycan find their person um in both directions And that's

21:19

really what we need because when we have a onetoone matchingsystem we aren't guaranteed You could

21:26

have a whole lot of people come in front of you that arepotential friends but are you friends with everybody who

21:31

crosses your path No You know you're you know who you wantto be friends with Um

21:37

you don't need a handbook on that And if somebody said"Now you're going to be friends with somebody that you just met

21:42

that you don't really care that much about," you'renever going to be really close Sticking with the mentorship

21:49

project what I really like is you know we talk about wellpeople aren't going

21:54

to want to help and you're never going to be able to getpeople to do things for free but you've really proved that

21:59

otherwise I think it's incredible Let's talk a little bitabout who are where where are some of these people coming

22:05

from who are the mentors and and all the work and help thatthey're doing because I think it's incredible You know it it

22:11

surprised me I will tell you that I thought to myself isthis generativity thing real Because you know it has been

22:19

studied in in small little bits and in different ways butthis was going to be

22:25

like an anthropological expedition to look at this So whenwe started with just a few people it was Bill Chzwick

22:32

who said "I'm going to be leaving Bell Labs." He'sone of the fathers of the network firewall And he said "I'm

22:40

retiring and I'm going to move to a farm and I'm not goingto have any kids around to mentor and I can't go to a

22:46

park and say "Hey kid do you want to mentor It's notgoing to work out well." So we I was like "Oo let's see if we can

22:53

just get you in with kids." And so a few of us gottogether just thinking this would be fun There was no real big

23:00

anything there And Bill went out to schools and he washaving a blast A couple of other really cool people went

23:06

out to some schools and they were having fun And thensomebody said to me "You do

23:12

know that no one else is ever going to do this You know youare essentially a band of 10 weirdos out there doing

23:18

this." And I was like "That's okay We're justgoing to do it It's working You

23:23

know everybody's happy." and we're having a good timeAnd then within 6 months we went to 60 mentors 80 and 100

23:31

This was not me knocking on doors saying "Hey would youlike to mentor?" This was people saying "I need to do this." And

23:38

we still have people all the time at saying "I'd liketo mentor." And these are people that I was told wouldn't want

23:44

to do it because they're the top 1% Charlie the astronaut Wehave a very well-known artist We have a seventime

23:51

Nobel Peace Prize nominee We have astrophysicists who youwould see on

23:57

television on PBS and NOVA and all of that We have all ofthese really recognizable individuals who have said I

24:05

want to give back and I need to And the weird thing is thatum they always say

24:12

we said oh we'll start it slow you know that maybe theydon't want to give too much of their time 2 hours a month No

24:17

they they they say we want more and more and more And so itreally was able to

24:24

prove that when we look at mentorship from the perspectiveof the mentor not

24:29

the elusive faceless person that we're saying go find amentor so I can grab my way up the ladder If we say let's flip

24:36

it and look at it from the mentor perspective which is whatthe mentor project is Here are all these people

24:42

with information to give Who wants it Now you have a muchmore meaningful potential matching because somebody's

24:49

saying I like what that person does That's my area Oohthat's interesting Or I've never heard of that I'd like to

24:56

meet with that person So it changes it shifts it from beingburdensome to the

25:01

mentor and more of a journey that the mentee gets to saythis is the one I want to be on And we served last year

25:09

and we had to take a little hiatus as we changed ourplatform We gave out more than $3 million of mentorship hours to

25:15

students in five countries based on 100% volunteer work fromthese amazing

25:22

mentors So it's really defining mentorship uh generativityum in a

25:28

modern way by them doing that What is the future hold whenit comes to mentorship Unbelievably amazing So like

25:36

I've said a couple of times now you guys are modern mentorsWe we were on Skype

25:41

in 2019 and that was like you met with people in person orwhen you did Skype

25:47

it was like oo I'm going to be doing Skype today like clearthe house you know here we go and it was a big deal

25:55

but people get on now all the time and they're able toconnect with people everywhere and it's a it's a really

26:02

great platform for that We have AI that's um allowing us tohave bots that

26:08

people can um give mentorship through through that platformSo I know that like the Holocaust Museum has you know

26:15

people who surv who were survivors who tell their storyThey're a long gone but

26:21

their story lives on through that bot that looks like a realperson speaking to them We're seeing more of those

26:27

Marshall Goldsmith who's a coach He has a Marshall bot thatis giving out coaching mentorship to um coaches You

26:36

you know when we see a person who's doing um podcasting thatis a way of

26:42

getting out information that we did not have that abilityThis is radio didn't have that same ability to reach people

26:49

globally because it was a community-based thing The radiowaves don't go that far But now we're seeing

26:55

that people are picking up on ideas and new ways of thinkingaround the world that were just five years ago kept to a

27:03

local community and that's where I think that I don't evenknow what the new tech is going to be but I'm very excited

27:10

because I think it's going to really propel us with regardto mentorship Speaking of the lateral would you

27:16

because I know that that's kind of that interesting area foryou Would you tell the Steve uh the Steve story Imagine

27:22

you're at work and this has happened to me before This hashappened to a lot of people You're at work and your boss

27:28

comes to you and says "I have an impossible task foryou and it has to be done in an impossibly short amount of

27:34

time." So this guy Steve says to his boss "Sure Igot it No problem." He didn't but he wasn't going to tell his

27:41

boss that cuz he didn't want to get fired He was sure he'dget fired This was a startup and he knew that the

27:46

company's future was hinging on this So um his boss comes ina couple of days

27:51

later and he says "Hey Steve how's it going?" AndSteve says "Don't worry I got it." Well he didn't So he called his

27:57

friend Steve on the phone and he said "Steve I know youknow a different kind of engineering than I know Can you walk

28:04

me through this?" And Steve said "You know whatI'll meet you after work When I get done with work I'll come and I'll

28:10

see what's going on." He comes late that night andthey're working together and it's like Rumple

28:17

Stiltskin entered the room You know they are turning wheatinto gold So the next day the boss comes back and goes "Steve

28:23

this looks great You uh seem to be getting this work doneHow's it going Were you going to get it done on time?"

28:29

And Steve's like "I told you I had it I totally haveit." And he's like "Steve can you come back?" Steve comes back

28:34

that night Night after night Steve's coming back and they'reworking until the wee hours No one knows Steve's

28:40

friend Steve is coming at night It's happening after hoursAnd then Steve leaves Steve goes home Steve comes back

28:46

to work Anyway they finish it a week early This impossibletask with an

28:51

impossibly short deadline gets finished a week before itsdue date And the boss

28:58

says "Oh my gosh you saved the company." Well thatcompany was Atari The boss was

29:04

Alhorn who's known as the grandfather of video games Theproject that was being

29:09

worked on was Breakout the first video game for Atari Andthe two Steves Steve

29:14

Jobs held the job and Steve Waznjak was his friend who wasthe lateral mentor

29:20

Now it should people say to their boss I don't know what I'mdoing I don't know

29:25

if that's the moral of the story here All I'm saying is Iknow so many people who've done that They don't feel like

29:31

they can express their vulnerability And who do you turn towhen you can't express your vulnerability Somebody that

29:38

you trust and that you can be vulnerable around And sothat's how we automatically engage in lateral

29:44

mentorship all the time We're calling upon people that weknow who can help us

29:50

And that story was funny because when Alhorn was telling itto me he was like "Man you know Steve Jobs totally

29:56

exploited Steve Waznjak." And I was like "Come onhaven't you ever helped a friend?" You know and so the story that

30:02

got out there about that was the exploitation of SteveWaznjak because nobody knew that he was helping him But

30:10

that's really how we operate when we're generative We're alittle walking library And when somebody that we care

30:16

about says "I need your help." We say "Let meopen up the door to the library." And we give it to them We

30:22

don't expect something in return Deborah so many greatstories And I love how you tie it back to your work as well And

30:28

we're kind of coming up here on time But if I'm a listenerout here and I want to

30:34

be a mentor to more individuals what advice would you havefor me to go out

30:40

and seek and find uh mentees So I would first say youprobably have them around

30:46

you Look to your left and look to your right Most of us havepeople around us just like you know with Fred who went

30:51

into the film developing store You know they are everywhereIt's just that most

30:57

of us look past people We don't really look and say is theresome way I can be

31:03

of help to them or is there some way they can be of help tome And not in a way like oh I'm looking for reciprocity

31:10

here but looking a little bit more deeply into that personAnd as we form those

31:15

rolodexes that person may be the person that saves your lifein the future That person may be someone that you saved

31:21

their life or their career or whatever it might be So it'sreally looking at

31:27

people all around us as a potential you know meaningfulconnection for us Amazing Really interesting perspective

31:34

on what mentorship really means in a big picture way Ifyou're interested everybody should go read the book

31:40

because there's a lot of more great stories and more refinedways to understand it including things we get into like the legacy tree whichis

31:46

fascinating Um Deborah I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna check

31:52

my impulse to give advice build a little more trust as I goout and do it I love that You know I um I think that I'm so

31:59

glad you brought that up because I didn't mention that and Ididn't I don't even think I touched on that in the book You know don't just runout and give

32:05

advice We have to know that person wants to receive it Andthat's the generativity part you know that you have

32:11

to have the person wants to generate but you really have tomake sure that person is the one that wants to receive it cuz

32:17

nobody really like you said wants to have somebody come overand just tell them something Um it feels pushy or

32:24

doesn't feel you know really caring It feels more likecriticism If our

32:29

listeners want to learn more about your work what's the bestway to connect with you at Sure Go to the mentor project you

32:35

know and especially if you know of a student who needs amentor It's free It costs nothing Um and you get access to

32:43

all these you know top 1% leaders in their fields Click thebutton become a mentee and fill out the form and off you

32:50

go But if you want to learn more about me you can check meout there I write for Psychology Today I have a website

32:56

deborraheiser.com You can find me on LinkedIn and you canreach me through wherever you buy books you know because

33:03

you can find me through the mentorship edge as well Thankyou So everybody you should pick up Deborah's book but I also

33:09

want you to do me a favor Think about somebody who you thinkcould either be a great mentor or maybe knows people who

33:16

could benefit from this conversation and maybe even has akid who's uh uh could be a potential mentee maybe somebody in

33:23

school and take this u conversation we had and send it tothem And so thank you

33:29

so much Deborah And until next time everybody stay curiouskeep learning and have a great day Very seldom do we

33:36

believe that if I leave a comment on your video that yourvideo is going to comment back And yet when I read

33:42

something from you and I comment I do

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